I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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