he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
