My liver just broke up with me...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
