Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
