It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
