I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
