He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
