I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Alive.
So much puke
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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