The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Randomize
