I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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