Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
