wakey wakey hands off snakey
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
