There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
