girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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