not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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