He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
