Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
