She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
