I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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