a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
