And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
