Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
