we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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