Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
