He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
