so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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