Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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