ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
