Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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