she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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