i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
