i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
