i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
