Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My life is pants optional.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
