I cockslap morals
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
