you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
