Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
