Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
