in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
