Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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