He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
