hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
