Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
