Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
