if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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