My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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