A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
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