I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
