When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
