I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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