gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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